Showing posts from November 10, 2013

Striving to be a Pharisee

Striving for Pharisee status.

That's what I suddenly realized I have been attempting to do for most of my life.

As strange as that may sound, this realization crashed on me this morning before I was able to get out of bed. And getting out of bed was a struggle for me this morning for reasons I couldn't seem to grasp; but I knew that something just didn't feel right. Whether it was the kind of dreams I had or the food I ate last night or whatever, I found myself feeling a little depressed, maybe discouraged or out of touch to some extent with the kind of hopeful, trusting feelings I have enjoyed for some weeks.

I found myself praying familiarly intense prayers that resonated with the dark days of growing up always feeling afraid that God had something against me that I could never resolve completely. It is hard to define clearly what this feels like, but for me it defined my emotional life for years. I could never find rest or peace in God's love for me for there wa…