Awakening

If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content. But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. But flee from these things, you man of God, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance and gentleness. (1 Timothy 6:8-11)

As I look at this verse from a more mature perspective now I can see clearly that it is not the money itself that will corrupt me but it is my allowing the motives listed here to infiltrate my soul. On the flip side, this passage also spells out quite clearly what I need to focus on if I am to remain free from these tenacious attitudes and lusts. I need to pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance and gentleness. Now that sounds amazingly familiar, like a parallel to some others lists I have read somewhere.

It is impressed on me that God can be in charge of my new business if I will remain in close covenant relationship with Him every moment of my participation in it. That means following the instruction in this passage so that when the Boss says its time to move on and leave it lay I will not be reluctant – like Lot's wife – to leave all that has become too attached to my affections. God is jealous of my affections and at the same time is eager to bless me lavishly if I would just learn to keep my affections from getting stuck to the blessings instead of anchored in my dependence on Him and trusting His heart.

I am so grateful that I am hearing His Spirit speak all of this to me and use the Word to reinforce what He wants for me. I want to know God's heart and His will for my life and He is daily sharing that with me. That is allowing my heart to begin to awaken in response to His treatment of me and cast aside lie after lie that has enslaved me for all of my life. These lies about how God feels toward me and how He treats me are so suffocating and pervasive that it takes strong measures sometimes to get my heart to change its feelings and beliefs about Him. But He is faithful and persistent and not willing that anyone be lost, not even me.

In parallel to this, I am also experiencing the effect of slow repair of my receiver that has been broken since an early age. I am now beginning to see that my inability to receive love, comfort and even rebuke (maybe especially rebuke) is rooted in the way I was raised as a child. My strong reactions and defensiveness are a thick wall that I built up around my heart to protect me from being more deeply wounded. But these walls also serve to keep everyone away from being able to give me the things that I need the most like comfort, joy and love. As a result I have remained stuck in immaturity in certain areas for most of my life and just now feel like I am even aware of what has happened.

I appreciate so much what God is doing even right now in working in and around me to heal all of this deep damage from fear. My fears have been many and have seriously distorted my views of reality and truth and relationships. My shame has been one of the most pervasive and yet invisible elements that has controlled and manipulated me for many years but I have never known how to escape it or what to do with it. So I have developed skilled reactions that keep everyone at a distance as an attempt to prevent feeling the shame instead of being truthful and allowing myself to feel what is inside.

Thank-you God for what is happening right now and for caring about me so much to do whatever it is You are doing in my life. I choose to cooperate with Your Spirit and to let Your process accomplish its work of maturing me.